Lesbian Expression

Guest Post by @yourSNisawful

This is probably one of the hardest threads I’ll ever write.

I am a lesbian. I have argued constantly for trans rights in the past year, believing we are all LGBTQ, I have trans friends in real life.

Before I wrote this I spoke to them.

When I came back online I again had no issues with defending trans folk because to me – LGBT – why wouldn’t I? Everyone has the right to live their lives safely & to find love & happiness. I still believe that because I dislike the hate speech that was given a platform.
I have trans women friends. I have been hit on by trans women. I wasnt interested, I wasn’t cruel because there’s no reason to be cruel. Just said thanks but I’m seeing someone to spare someone’s feelings like I’d do with anyone else I didn’t fancy.
I’m not a cruel person, I get that it’s nerve wracking to walk up to a stranger & yes I’ve been laughed at so I wouldn’t do that to anyone else.

I’ve been out as gay since I was a teenager; I have had men inviting themselves into my bed since I was a teenager.

I have had men flat out ask me if I’ve ever tried dick. If your lot use toys whats the difference between that & dick. If you use strap ons why don’t you just do the real thing.

Men have been pushing their dicks into lesbians’ bedrooms forever.

So when you have the fucking audacity to tell me, a fucking lesbian, who has literally stood by you, that I need to unpack my bigotry & ‘phallus hating’ because I’m ‘confused about what it is to be a lesbian’ –

GO FUCK YOURSELF. 

I don’t have a problem with trans folk. I think trans folk must hold their heads in their hands reading shit like this because the majority of them just want to live their lives in peace.

I’ve never met a trans person irl offended by my female body or my lesbianism at ALL.

I’ve bitched about my period. She’s spoken about sex as a trans woman post surgery & I could get how she would feel the way she would feel re validation as a woman. She’s heard me talking about sex with women in explicit detail.

No one died.

She just wants to be happy. & yes I’d argue with people calling her a man etc because all I’ve ever seen is a person trying to make a body in line with how she feels without trying to make other people feel uncomfortable.
I have another mate who is a trans man. He transitioned years ago. Again, all he just wanted was to finally feel happy in a body that in his words made him ‘want to fucking kill himself’.

He is probably one of the kindest men I know, heart of gold.

So I go online & sex comes up. I make a joke that I like going down on women.

I don’t say pussy, because like… yuck.

I get asked what I mean.

Uh. Its self explanatory.

“you shouldn’t use terms like that because it seems like vagina is everything & it’s…”

Ok let me put this in context, I got banned from an endo/PCOS group for saying they should consider letting trans men in, because HEALTH REASONS.

Can you let me know which side of evil I’m on, because on one side I’m doing shit but on the other I can’t fuck how I want to?

Saw it being compared to the Holocaust. The literal holocaust.

You know, where people were put in showers, gassed to death relatively slowly, then their bodies were thrown into pits? Yeah that Holocaust.

This was just after the PA shooting.

Saw a woman just asking questions who seems to have care commitments for an autistic kid blasted to thousands of people like she wasn’t going to be dog piled. She wasn’t being rude. She clearly just didn’t agree, but she wasn’t vicious.
I see some women love bombing – again, this is where I think well sure, everyone needs validation.

Everyone needs a self appraisal and that includes the bad. I find it baffling how outright bullying just sails by – well, she’s the enemy, so.

I find it baffling how people can –

literally sit & tell lesbians vile things & it just floats by. I find it baffling how conversation has been shut down with you’re a bigot.

You know, for a very brief period it seemed, my sexuality – my absolute, raw lesbian sexuality – was something I did not have to hide.

I was always going to be a fetish to men, but I did not have to be ashamed or hide about the fact I do not just prefer women or fall in love with women, I have sex with women. I make love to women. I fuck women.

I love the way women smell; their hair, their skin, the scent of –

her body lotion mixed in with her perfume, the softness of her body, the dip of her clavicle, her thighs wrapped around me, the way her bum feels slipped against my pelvis. 

I AM GAYYYY.

I find it hilarious that I’m so obsessed with vagina but haven’t mentioned it once.

Most of us are driven toward it though because its literally OUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION. I’m a lesbian – unless I’m ace or have PTSD I tend to be turned on by vaginas.

I don’t hate dicks. I just don’t want one inside me.

I like vaginas. On my face. Jfc.

If you tell me thats offensive to you, then it’s offensive to me that you aren’t considering my needs. Your rights are not more important than mine.

Am I always this crude? No, but the point needed to be made.

My sexuality is not something I will be ashamed of because I spent years being told I SHOULD be ashamed of it. Most of us did.

I don’t want to have sex working around something & it isn’t normal for me to ‘get used to something’ for YOUR comfort.

My ex was raped. She was scared to have sex in certain positions, so we never did it. She wanted to use toys, but it upset her so we stopped. That’s having sex working around something – she had trauma. You want me to accept a deal breaker & if I don’t I’m a bad person.
Well, I’d rather be a bad person than be told I need to accept a deal breaker.

Most people were like me & deep down still are – they hate seeing mistreatment, never bothered sharing spaces & didn’t care how other people lived their lives.

Most of us hate seeing folk be bullied (there’s folk I seriously can’t stand on either side). Most of us hate that it’s given rise to hate speech. Most of us agree that folk should just be left to live their lives in peace & quiet.
Do you know how much sex & sexuality is weaponised against lesbians & gay men in general? When we are sexual beings, we are still seen as being fucking deviants in the eyes of some people. Our Pride marches still get attacked for being ‘over sexual’. Men get criticised for –
daring to have Grindr.

We still get shit for being sexual beings.

I still get straight women who romanticise lesbian sex to me like we just lie on fucking rose petals and cuddle whilst weeping softly to reruns of the l word.

We are allowed to be sexual.

We are allowed to be defensive of our sexuality when you tell us our sexuality is wrong or jfc we are ‘confused’ you homophobic little shit head. Do you know how many gay people hear that? You wonder why some of us are angry? It’s because of shit like this.
Every single one of my gay friends thinks the way I do – people deserve rights & respect.

I said v politely that I would be miserable at the thought of spending my life never performing cunnilingus again.

I would. I’d be fucking heartbroken.

I was told that I centred vagina.

OK so 1 if that’s what you’re doing, you’re literally shit at going down on women (😂) and 2 nah but whatever you tell yourself.

Weird but if I dated a woman who told me she never wanted me to go down on her I’d RESPECT HER SEXUAL PREFERENCES AND LEAVE HER ALONE.

I’ve hooked up with women who said no and respected it. I didn’t write blogs telling them they missed out like a coercive rapey fuck.

If I’m seeing women asking what is the correct way to knock someone back for sex, there’s something wrong.

There is a word that exists already. It’s called ‘no’.

If no doesn’t work, try ‘fuck off’.

Its guilt free with 0% APR. Accepted everywhere.

If someone starts arguing with you about this telling you that you need to ‘unpack your bigotry’ because you just said no, consider:

– this is what manipulative people do
– healthy people don’t argue why you won’t fuck them
– this isn’t woke, this is abuse

I have no doubt this will probably get picked up & I’ll be screenshot out of context as one of those evil lesbians.

At no point have I misgendered anyone or mocked dysphoria because I believe it exists, I despise the hate speech but bitch about me if you want.

Personally I think putting lesbians in a position where they feel they can’t be gay in their own spaces, or writing tweets/blogs shrieking that we just need to like dick because it’s a girl dick is never going to win you a good support network.

Oh and BTW I can get calling a-

part of your body something you dislike something else. Totally get it.

I’ve never told someone to choke on my genitals. Look however you dress it up, that kind of stuff upsets people. I don’t agree with someone who is effectively a SA victim being mocked & I’ve seen that on –

both sides, one with a woman being held at knife point and another where a lesbian felt her consent wasn’t given with full knowledge. I don’t care for the homophobic links one side has and I don’t care for much of the behaviour on the other.

I’m curious which blocklist I get.

I do not feel erased as a lesbian.

What I do feel is that my sexuality is part of me, it is an intense thing, I am not confused about what it is to be a lesbian. I know women who came out late in life. Ive been womens first partners, I’ve dated them after abuse, through tragedy-

I’ve been with women where I’ve planned a future with kids to find out she was cheating on me. I’ve fallen in love after heartbreak. I’ve been bridesmaid at my friends’ wedding & saw her cry because she never thought her parents would watch her marry a woman.
I’ve hooked up with random Sarah in the toilet, I’ve woken up next to a strange woman & thought where the fuck is my phone, I’ve SOS’d friends because she won’t leave, I’ve bought cats with a woman, I’ve cried myself to sleep over a woman, I’ve laid in her lap laughing til my –
face hurts, then made eye contact to unbutton her jeans, I’ve sent her a song I ‘just really like’ because I want her to hear the lyrics for her, I heard the rain beat on the car windows both as they steamed up and as she stared out of them hearing it wasn’t working out.
I am not confused about what it is to be a lesbian, its being fucking human.

Specifically, a woman who likes women.

Lesbians don’t tend to think this, but they do get sick of men asking them about their sex lives. Which happens way more than we like. 

Its so ingrained in what we put up with its referenced in EVERY. SINGLE. LESBIAN. FICTION.

Even tipping the fucking velvet nods to men undermining lesbian love, lesbian sex and yes, full blown mockery.

Shouting at lesbians ‘my penis is female’ will not work.

You can call us bigots – when in reality most of us would empathise with your dysmorphia – if you keep insulting a person who cared by telling them it’s not enough, change your sexuality for me – they soon stop.

I’ve never met a trans woman in real life who believes this crap. They respect boundaries.

I have only ever dealt with this online. And trans people I know hate this because it makes their life even more difficult. 

You wrote this in English, which I speak.

I am a LESBIAN. The word existed for centuries. Lesbian is not a dirty word.

But seriously how fucking dare you use my sexuality like a slur? 

I was thrown out of my house at 17. Because I was a lesbian – that dirty word – amongst other things.

I was told at 14 I wasn’t a LESBIAN.

I was bullied at school for being a LESBIAN.

I am not ashamed of being a lesbian. Fuck you.

Stop telling people to shut up if you want people to take you seriously. It makes you sound about 14, much like the contents of this blog. 
You inspired me, I’ll give you that, I spent part of my evening having fantastic LESBIAN sex.

Oh guess what, I don’t feel fucking bad about that either, I forgot to shut the window so the neighbours might have heard the UBER DYKEDOM LESBIAN SEX 🖕🏽 

I don’t believe in breaking up the rainbow, because I still do believe that attacking one makes it easier to attack all. I believe innocent people who just want a quiet life will be targeted. So yes, i will always fight your corner.

But I am done with unquestioning ally ship.

I am done until I see this shit over. I am done until I feel like I can say I’m a lesbian online without dealing with additional homophobia.

Believe me the other side have my criticism as well. But I’m tired and I’m going to bed. Worn out from lesbianism.

Blog posted with permission from @yourSNisawful

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