Something is Working?

After writing my letter to my 16 year old Self yesterday, for the first time in years, I dreamt deep dreams and woke up really happy and hungry.

The dreams weren’t painful or scary. They felt like a connection. They were deep and reflective. During a brief wake up during my sleep, I smiled. Dreaming dreams is something that rarely happens for me anymore. Usually if any occur they are mostly senseless, confusing and had an air of ‘WTF was that?’ about them.

Many years ago, I developed a fear of dreaming. They tortured me. It may be one of the main the causes of my insomnia. However, I’ve always been a night owl.

Nightmares of the most disturbing kind followed me after I was 16. The kind that would startle me awake, struggling to breathe, fear all consuming. It was brutal. Really. Starting each day re-traumatised was tough to keep pretending “I was fine.”

During other tough times in my life, before I fled to the women’s refuge, dreams tortured me in the opposite way. By showing me such happiness with my son, family beauty with a “daddy” in the dream who was kind and loving. The true visualisation of what I was craving. Yearning for that rosey family unit image that just wasn’t achievable or possible. Before waking to the nightmare of my reality. They were just as torturous.

It surprised me to dream last night. It was very clear. I felt safe. I smiled when I became conscious of it. It was deep. Meaningful.

However, I have no idea what the dream was about now reality has took over. But I remember the feeling it gave me. It was nice.

To wake up with hunger too is very unusual. Me and my relationship with food have had some rocky times. Eating too much, or far too little.

Since Nans passing, I know my eating has suffered. I’ve struggled to stomach eating anything. Forcing nutrition for means of survival. Nauseous for every bite. However, yesterday I did eat a large, healthy main meal, and supper after partially writing the letter. Plus reached for carbohydrates as they were missing from my meal. So much vegetables.

I feel, whatever I’m doing here trying to work through my pain, is having a positive effect on my whole self.

It feels good.

I can feel peace in me today. Content. Whole.

It’s pretty wonderful 😊

Whole Again – Atomic Kitten

😂

I love how my brain works sometimes. This blog left this song in my head.

It reminded me that I shared a stage with this girl in the red top sometime in my early teens. I’d forgotten that.

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